This is the point in my life I thought I would not have to face. But I appear to be a bit wrong.
I believe there is a point in time where things will get bad, but eventually work it's way back to being good, right? Many live life day-to-day focusing on the bad rather then the good. There is a vast amount of opportunities to behold. Why not seize the day? Take upon it's glory and become optimistic! Don't allow oneself to fall between the cracks and wonder where the good went. When the going gets tough, bite the asshole back.
I find myself always on the emotional side, dragging myself down with worry, self doubt, and so much more. This is the losing side. There is no cookies. I keep allowing myself to fall inbetween the cracks and not help myself up. Does loneliness have that much control over me? Does the mere thought of forever alone scare me that much?
I would like to say I am the most thoughtful, caring, and epic person in the world. But who looks at that anymore? Who ever did? A pretty face seems to appeal more then a great personality. I see these shows with artificial woman and how men drool over them. I don't want to be that person, and refuse to be. I also refuse to be the one who allows herself to 'let go' and become obese. Fitness and health are important, especially if death is NEVER an option. I let myself become overweight with stress and much other issue's in my life. But that is NO excuse. I will not abide to this. I WILL force myself, push myself, MAKE myself healthy and fit again. And when that day comes, I will move onto my next goal.
Ambition is everything. Ever since I was a child I have been very ambitions. I strive for greater things. I strive to learn and achieve my goals. Those without ambition are without life. It can be anything, too. My ambitions are simple, but complex at the same time. Some are easy, and of course, some are hard.
Lose weight. - Well obviously I am on the track to do that currently, 12lbs to this date. I am VERY proud of that.
Obtain Degree's - Yeah, more then just my Masters in Fine Arts for Creative Writing. I want much more out of education. I want to learn as much as possible. Perhaps Psychology? Business? History? Science?
Start Business- Quite a few I wish to start, actually. I think it would be grand.
Travel - It's a goal of mine to go to Ireland. Really, all around Europe. I've traveled America, next the world. I don't really wanna live here all my life, either.
Language - I find it useful to know more then English. I am not saying learn Spanish, but something different. With world travel and possible moving out of USA, I wish to become more fluent in Irish and German and Japanese.
Published - I want to publish a novel. I have many and want to finish them all and achieve that.
Children/Marriage - This is touchy. One day I would love to be married and probably have kids. This should be later on in life.
And so much more. I have a ton of stuff on my mind, excuse the randomness of this posting.
There is more to be said... but I am too tired. Goodnight Blogger.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
The Future. "American Dream"
The future is pretty much a strange thing for me to think about. In today's society, the "American Dream" has became more of a 'old' - in the past ordeal. While there are many who strive for the American Dream of having marriage, kids, house, job, car, and living it to the fullest. Many cannot achieve this and as time goes by, many don't even care or want this anymore.
Marriage: A bond of two souls in which they shall live together through health and sickness. I do not think you have to be a man and woman to get married. If people want to get married (Legal Age+) Then why the hell not? Marriage isn't a whole 'sacred' practice as it was in the old days. There is so many single moms that are no longer frowned upon and socially accepted.
I grew up with the whole "You marry someone because you love them and want to be with them forever." And of course, sex after marriage. But that is one rule I didn't follow or really care about. I think being sexually compatible is something that makes marriage work, too -- and of course - a relationship. I still believe I should get married one day, but that slowly fades now and then. I don't see myself getting married because Jonathan has a fear of marriage due to his mother being with so many and divorcing twice. This has an emotional effect on him with the belief that marriage is only to 'screw over' the male.
Furthermore, being in a Polyamory Triad is even more difficult to get married. There is the part of Polygamy - whereas it's illegal so we couldn't be married to each other. Also, it would be unfair to the other if only two got married. But then again, as said above, marriage is becoming less and less as society furthers.
Children: Many feel the need to pass down their name, genetics, and ext. Some want to have kids because they feel they were raised horribly and know they can do a better job or the worse reason: to get federal money or to keep their partner. Society has accepted single mothers, single fathers, surrogates, and ext.
I want children because they bring me joy, that is unimaginable. To see a tiny human grow from infant to adult... to teach them life and how to be great in a world that is slowly going to crap. I grew up in a horrible home with my parents. Luckily, I was able to escape and live with my grandparents who helped me through life, and continue to do so. I don't want to have kids to prove I won't be abusive like my parents. I want kids because I know I will be a great mother and give unconditional love. To bring a soul into the world that can make a difference.
But bringing a Polyamory Triad into a child's life will be different. Society frowns upon (not everyone) lesbian mothers or gay fathers. Thinking they will poison the child's mine and 'make' them gay. Sure, a child will copy it's parents when it's young because it learns. This does not mean it'll be instantly gay, it's not really even a choice. I am bisexual, my sister is bisexual and our mother is gay. Can it be genetic? Why not. Can it be chosen? Eh. I think woman are beautiful... I am physically attracted to guys and girls. --- but anyway. Polyamory will be different. There is people who have successfully raised a 'normal' child with this -- even polygamy. Having multiple mothers/fathers is not a social norm yet, but who knows in the future.
The Other Stuff: Having a house is harder with the economic times. So is obtaining a job. Living life to the fullest doesn't mean you have to be rich, handsome, and amazing. It just means you have to be you. Be yourself and true to yourself. Happiness is easy to find in small and big places. Just reach out there and find it. You don't have to have everything to live the "American Dream." Being in America is an American Dream to some. Being free in a democracy rather then dictatorship.
I might not live the social norm, but I can still live the "American Dream." I have a few fantastic people in my life, I give many thanks to my grandparents, and don't know what I would do without some of them. I might be out of a job now, living in an apartment... but at least I am living.
The Future... The American Dream.. is what you make of it.
Marriage: A bond of two souls in which they shall live together through health and sickness. I do not think you have to be a man and woman to get married. If people want to get married (Legal Age+) Then why the hell not? Marriage isn't a whole 'sacred' practice as it was in the old days. There is so many single moms that are no longer frowned upon and socially accepted.
I grew up with the whole "You marry someone because you love them and want to be with them forever." And of course, sex after marriage. But that is one rule I didn't follow or really care about. I think being sexually compatible is something that makes marriage work, too -- and of course - a relationship. I still believe I should get married one day, but that slowly fades now and then. I don't see myself getting married because Jonathan has a fear of marriage due to his mother being with so many and divorcing twice. This has an emotional effect on him with the belief that marriage is only to 'screw over' the male.
Furthermore, being in a Polyamory Triad is even more difficult to get married. There is the part of Polygamy - whereas it's illegal so we couldn't be married to each other. Also, it would be unfair to the other if only two got married. But then again, as said above, marriage is becoming less and less as society furthers.
Children: Many feel the need to pass down their name, genetics, and ext. Some want to have kids because they feel they were raised horribly and know they can do a better job or the worse reason: to get federal money or to keep their partner. Society has accepted single mothers, single fathers, surrogates, and ext.
I want children because they bring me joy, that is unimaginable. To see a tiny human grow from infant to adult... to teach them life and how to be great in a world that is slowly going to crap. I grew up in a horrible home with my parents. Luckily, I was able to escape and live with my grandparents who helped me through life, and continue to do so. I don't want to have kids to prove I won't be abusive like my parents. I want kids because I know I will be a great mother and give unconditional love. To bring a soul into the world that can make a difference.
But bringing a Polyamory Triad into a child's life will be different. Society frowns upon (not everyone) lesbian mothers or gay fathers. Thinking they will poison the child's mine and 'make' them gay. Sure, a child will copy it's parents when it's young because it learns. This does not mean it'll be instantly gay, it's not really even a choice. I am bisexual, my sister is bisexual and our mother is gay. Can it be genetic? Why not. Can it be chosen? Eh. I think woman are beautiful... I am physically attracted to guys and girls. --- but anyway. Polyamory will be different. There is people who have successfully raised a 'normal' child with this -- even polygamy. Having multiple mothers/fathers is not a social norm yet, but who knows in the future.
The Other Stuff: Having a house is harder with the economic times. So is obtaining a job. Living life to the fullest doesn't mean you have to be rich, handsome, and amazing. It just means you have to be you. Be yourself and true to yourself. Happiness is easy to find in small and big places. Just reach out there and find it. You don't have to have everything to live the "American Dream." Being in America is an American Dream to some. Being free in a democracy rather then dictatorship.
I might not live the social norm, but I can still live the "American Dream." I have a few fantastic people in my life, I give many thanks to my grandparents, and don't know what I would do without some of them. I might be out of a job now, living in an apartment... but at least I am living.
The Future... The American Dream.. is what you make of it.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Ughhhhh.
Just blah. A word that sums it up.
I am so tired, physically and mentally. My brain is tired.. my body is tired... my whole self is tired.
Lack a sleep? Yes. That's the main point there.
Stress is slowly eating away at myself causing me to feel numb or depressed.
Everything just seems bad. It makes me want to run, far far far far far far far away.
This Tiredness + Stress + Lack of Sleep + Depression + Blah + lkebalekhbhe = bad.
I don't feel like me lately nor do I feel fully supported. School starts up in 5 days and I am ready to go back... Ready to just learn and get negative thoughts out of my mind. Maybe I won't feel AS much as a loner, make a few friends. None of which I could talk to cause once they hear my insane life. Ha. The stress of possible work causing me to have to withdrawl or cause some issue's with school... it's agonizing. I want my education.
I don't want to go on any crazy medication or anything, this is more of a mental battle really. Though, the estrogen pills were helping a lot... then I just felt like "eh maybe I don't need them" and wooosh.
My love life sometimes causes me stress. I am happy it'll be three years with Jonathan on May 10th. It's been an adventure that I hope will continue forever.
I just hope life gets better soon. That I will get a good enough part-time job, go to school full time SUCCESSFULLY... and be able to not worry about if we're gonna be late on rent again. I never thought I'd hit this point... but of course, once things are going good... shit hits the fan.
I am so tired, physically and mentally. My brain is tired.. my body is tired... my whole self is tired.
Lack a sleep? Yes. That's the main point there.
Stress is slowly eating away at myself causing me to feel numb or depressed.
Everything just seems bad. It makes me want to run, far far far far far far far away.
This Tiredness + Stress + Lack of Sleep + Depression + Blah + lkebalekhbhe = bad.
I don't feel like me lately nor do I feel fully supported. School starts up in 5 days and I am ready to go back... Ready to just learn and get negative thoughts out of my mind. Maybe I won't feel AS much as a loner, make a few friends. None of which I could talk to cause once they hear my insane life. Ha. The stress of possible work causing me to have to withdrawl or cause some issue's with school... it's agonizing. I want my education.
I don't want to go on any crazy medication or anything, this is more of a mental battle really. Though, the estrogen pills were helping a lot... then I just felt like "eh maybe I don't need them" and wooosh.
My love life sometimes causes me stress. I am happy it'll be three years with Jonathan on May 10th. It's been an adventure that I hope will continue forever.
I just hope life gets better soon. That I will get a good enough part-time job, go to school full time SUCCESSFULLY... and be able to not worry about if we're gonna be late on rent again. I never thought I'd hit this point... but of course, once things are going good... shit hits the fan.
Monday, March 26, 2012
Life has it's ways.
First off!...
I have had some roller coaster feelings lately. Ever since I got laid off, I have been very down and depressed. Every thing right after each other was falling apart. Money has been really tight, and we were late on rent for March.. and will be for April. Without a job, I feel really useless and just a bother and crap. So this leads to me becoming depress and putting myself down. So off and on I will sink, but submerge here and there.
The worst part is, I rather work a part-time job because I want to do school. I am tired of having to keep putting it off. I feel like I am just worthless even more. I am 20 years old, barely have college education cause life likes to go insane. I want to achieve something. I want to be an amazing writer. :/ I want to be worthwhile.
Another affect of being laid off is me being home all the time, while unhealthy cause I lack complete motivation to work out... (Which is why I enrolled into a PE class this quarter to force myself...) I just get really low and see no point. I try to think positive, but it's hard. Though - on the same note. I barely ate at work, and doing the same here at home. Sometimes forgetting meals while I job hunt or play same Minecraft. Now to add some working out in that = we'll be golden.
So. I overcame something a few days ago that had me causing myself even more depression. I feel very relieved and that I can now open up even more and express my feelings a whole lot better. A brand new connection has opened up.
I am going to strive for change. Change within myself, my environment, and everything else that needs it. It's high time I get everything back together, get my life back on the track it was going. Just tired of being tired and need to muscle up and bring my strength back within me, my confidence. I am like the manly version of a guy who feels like he needs to provide, or he's useless. I have always provided for people and once the tables turn, I feel like a pile of bricks in the way.
I think the picture has been drawn...
I have had some roller coaster feelings lately. Ever since I got laid off, I have been very down and depressed. Every thing right after each other was falling apart. Money has been really tight, and we were late on rent for March.. and will be for April. Without a job, I feel really useless and just a bother and crap. So this leads to me becoming depress and putting myself down. So off and on I will sink, but submerge here and there.
The worst part is, I rather work a part-time job because I want to do school. I am tired of having to keep putting it off. I feel like I am just worthless even more. I am 20 years old, barely have college education cause life likes to go insane. I want to achieve something. I want to be an amazing writer. :/ I want to be worthwhile.
Another affect of being laid off is me being home all the time, while unhealthy cause I lack complete motivation to work out... (Which is why I enrolled into a PE class this quarter to force myself...) I just get really low and see no point. I try to think positive, but it's hard. Though - on the same note. I barely ate at work, and doing the same here at home. Sometimes forgetting meals while I job hunt or play same Minecraft. Now to add some working out in that = we'll be golden.
So. I overcame something a few days ago that had me causing myself even more depression. I feel very relieved and that I can now open up even more and express my feelings a whole lot better. A brand new connection has opened up.
I am going to strive for change. Change within myself, my environment, and everything else that needs it. It's high time I get everything back together, get my life back on the track it was going. Just tired of being tired and need to muscle up and bring my strength back within me, my confidence. I am like the manly version of a guy who feels like he needs to provide, or he's useless. I have always provided for people and once the tables turn, I feel like a pile of bricks in the way.
I think the picture has been drawn...
Monday, March 5, 2012
Numb
My life has finally hit between a rock and a hard place. The past two weeks have been the most… crazy…stressful…chaotic 14 days of my life. It all started with one event and kept stacking one by one. I feel like there is no escape, that I am surrounded by these events and suffocating. Everything keeps getting worse and worse. Sure, getting a ticket is not a big deal... but when It's 260 for the ticket, 267 for the insurance, PLUS 250 for court fee's, it adds up. My biggest stress causer was being laid off. That was a low blow and hurt. I feel useless.
I have nothing to prove myself with either. Being 10 days late on rent... have Insurance coming up, bills near the 20th of the month... and STILL no unemployment check cause the damn system takes 3 weeks. I can't even go to college next quarter. This makes me feel like shit, too. I can't prove myself through school or get any done. GOV needs to set their shit straight. Should allow us who go to college still get benefits. But no. In order to get on unemployment, to find a job, can't be really in school. (Since it will get in the way.) and of course, Food Stamps.. ha. IF a full time student, you must WORK more then 20hrs a week. Seriously.
Life seems to just screw you up the ass. I hate to be such a downer right now, but nothing is really lifting my mood. I feel like I have not only let myself down, but everyone around me. Having no job and applying for unemployment makes me feel like a GOV hobo. I don’t want to live on assistance. I don’t like asking for help. I feel like I just need to be responsible to me and my future. Get as far as I go can without help.
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Happy again.
I finally feel really happy again.
Why?
Regulated HORMONES!.. I have been lacking estrogen for a bit now. The birth control known as the Depo Shot gave me all the negative side effects, and I mean all.
Why?
Regulated HORMONES!.. I have been lacking estrogen for a bit now. The birth control known as the Depo Shot gave me all the negative side effects, and I mean all.
- weight gain
- weakness
- extreme tiredness
- nervousness
- irritability
- depression
- difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
- hot flashes
- breast pain, swelling, or tenderness
- stomach cramps or bloating
- leg cramps
- back or joint pain
- acne
- loss of hair on scalp
- swelling, redness, irritation, burning, or itching of the vagina
- white vaginal discharge
- changes in sexual desire
- cold or flu symptomsnauseavomitingdizziness or faintness
Yeah... I got ALL OF THAT.But to the real point... I became really depressed/sad. It was hurting my relationship, and I know this. It was not only hurting me, but everyone around me. I can see that clearly now of course. I finally was done with the shot, and it's lack of estrogen. (I have PCOS.. so Estrogen is a BIG NEED.. cause I over produce to much testosterone. Now with much needed estrogen back into my system, I feel happy. Very happy... My mind is clear from the fog that clouded my judgement on everything. I dislike that the pill makes me this way, cause I do not like medication. I seen it ruin too many people.
But as an ending rant... I love my boyfriend, and my girlfriend. 10x more then before.
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Life.
Ever met that person who makes you feel like you have known them forever? As if you completely understand one another and know absolutely everything about one another...
I am happy to say, without a doubt, I am EXTREMELY infatuated... no... Head over HEELS with an amazing person. It's such a strange feeling since I have been with Jonathan for almost 3 years now. And I know for sure he feels the same way I do... well except one thing.
Of course, I am female. And 'us' females are always scared that we're going to get crushed, let down, declined, rejected, and cannot forget, hurt.
My ONE and only major fear is being hurt. I have such feelings in which no words can explain of course, but I am yet to fully understand the full meaning of them. I want to let them out, but instead they stay bottled up due to the mere thought in the back of my head and within my heart that it will be another case of the blues. I have faced this to much... and it was the most scariest feeling I had recently when I realized things ARE working out. Does this make sense? Not really. I set an expectation on myself that it will not work out... and since that expectation was not met, I felt a draft of cold air across my skin as the cold reality that it IS indeed working out. But of course, I mean all of this in a good way. It's just my heart does not wish to ache anymore.
I know a Polyamory lifestyle is what I want... what I have desired and yearned for. Even if my heart is not ready, I know my mind is. I know there will be up most happiness and balance with a triangle, rather then a line that can only go back and forth. But of course, a square may seem more 'legit' and equally balanced... but 4 is not balanced. There can be favorites, separation, and awkward in passionate times. With Jonathan and my new profound interest... I know a Triangle is fitting. Rather then a V-ee.
Also, I know I will not get hurt by Jonathan, and that he will not leave me. But always those settle whispers in the back of my own mind keep me on edge time from time. The mere thought of not having him in my life scares me... it makes my heart skip a beat and thump with an ache. But even the mere thought of her not being there scares me, too.
In the back of my mind... I think I love her. I really think I do. But this love scares me.. and I know that this much is true.
I am happy to say, without a doubt, I am EXTREMELY infatuated... no... Head over HEELS with an amazing person. It's such a strange feeling since I have been with Jonathan for almost 3 years now. And I know for sure he feels the same way I do... well except one thing.
Of course, I am female. And 'us' females are always scared that we're going to get crushed, let down, declined, rejected, and cannot forget, hurt.
My ONE and only major fear is being hurt. I have such feelings in which no words can explain of course, but I am yet to fully understand the full meaning of them. I want to let them out, but instead they stay bottled up due to the mere thought in the back of my head and within my heart that it will be another case of the blues. I have faced this to much... and it was the most scariest feeling I had recently when I realized things ARE working out. Does this make sense? Not really. I set an expectation on myself that it will not work out... and since that expectation was not met, I felt a draft of cold air across my skin as the cold reality that it IS indeed working out. But of course, I mean all of this in a good way. It's just my heart does not wish to ache anymore.
I know a Polyamory lifestyle is what I want... what I have desired and yearned for. Even if my heart is not ready, I know my mind is. I know there will be up most happiness and balance with a triangle, rather then a line that can only go back and forth. But of course, a square may seem more 'legit' and equally balanced... but 4 is not balanced. There can be favorites, separation, and awkward in passionate times. With Jonathan and my new profound interest... I know a Triangle is fitting. Rather then a V-ee.
Also, I know I will not get hurt by Jonathan, and that he will not leave me. But always those settle whispers in the back of my own mind keep me on edge time from time. The mere thought of not having him in my life scares me... it makes my heart skip a beat and thump with an ache. But even the mere thought of her not being there scares me, too.
In the back of my mind... I think I love her. I really think I do. But this love scares me.. and I know that this much is true.
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