Happy again.

I finally feel really happy again. 


Why?


Regulated HORMONES!.. I have been lacking estrogen for a bit now. The birth control known as the Depo Shot gave me all the negative side effects, and I mean all.

• weight gain
• weakness
• extreme tiredness
• nervousness
• irritability
• depression
• difficulty falling asleep or staying asleep
• hot flashes
• breast pain, swelling, or tenderness
• stomach cramps or bloating
• leg cramps
• back or joint pain
• acne
• loss of hair on scalp
• swelling, redness, irritation, burning, or itching of the vagina
• white vaginal discharge
• changes in sexual desire
• cold or flu symptoms
  nausea
  vomiting
  dizziness or faintness
  
  Yeah... I got ALL OF THAT. 
  But to the real point... I became really depressed/sad. It was hurting my relationship, and I know this. It was not only hurting me, but everyone around me. I can see that clearly now of course. I finally was done with the shot, and it's lack of estrogen. (I have PCOS.. so Estrogen is a BIG NEED.. cause I over produce to much testosterone. Now with much needed estrogen back into my system, I feel happy. Very happy... My mind is clear from the fog that clouded my judgement on everything. I dislike that the pill makes me this way, cause I do not like medication. I seen it ruin too many people.
  
  But as an ending rant... I love my boyfriend, and my girlfriend. 10x more then before. 

Life.

Ever met that person who makes you feel like you have known them forever? As if you completely understand one another and know absolutely everything about one another...

I am happy to say, without a doubt, I am EXTREMELY infatuated... no... Head over HEELS with an amazing person. It's such a strange feeling since I have been with Jonathan for almost 3 years now. And I know for sure he feels the same way I do... well except one thing.

Of course, I am female. And 'us' females are always scared that we're going to get crushed, let down, declined, rejected, and cannot forget, hurt.

My ONE and only major fear is being hurt. I have such feelings in which no words can explain of course, but I am yet to fully understand the full meaning of them. I want to let them out, but instead they stay bottled up due to the mere thought in the back of my head and within my heart that it will be another case of the blues. I have faced this to much... and it was the most scariest feeling I had recently when I realized things ARE working out. Does this make sense? Not really. I set an expectation on myself that it will not work out... and since that expectation was not met, I felt a draft of cold air across my skin as the cold reality that it IS indeed working out. But of course, I mean all of this in a good way. It's just my heart does not wish to ache anymore.

I know a Polyamory lifestyle is what I want... what I have desired and yearned for. Even if my heart is not ready, I know my mind is. I know there will be up most happiness and balance with a triangle, rather then a line that can only go back and forth. But of course, a square may seem more 'legit' and equally balanced... but 4 is not balanced. There can be favorites, separation, and awkward in passionate times. With Jonathan and my new profound interest... I know a Triangle is fitting. Rather then a V-ee.

Also, I know I will not get hurt by Jonathan, and that he will not leave me. But always those settle whispers in the back of my own mind keep me on edge time from time. The mere thought of not having him in my life scares me... it makes my heart skip a beat and thump with an ache. But even the mere thought of her not being there scares me, too.

In the back of my mind... I think I love her. I really think I do. But this love scares me.. and I know that this much is true.