The Future. "American Dream"

The future is pretty much a strange thing for me to think about. In today's society, the "American Dream" has became more of a 'old' - in the past ordeal. While there are many who strive for the American Dream of having marriage, kids, house, job, car, and living it to the fullest. Many cannot achieve this and as time goes by, many don't even care or want this anymore.

Marriage: A bond of two souls in which they shall live together through health and sickness. I do not think you have to be a man and woman to get married. If people want to get married (Legal Age+) Then why the hell not? Marriage isn't a whole 'sacred' practice as it was in the old days. There is so many single moms that are no longer frowned upon and socially accepted.

I grew up with the whole "You marry someone because you love them and want to be with them forever." And of course, sex after marriage. But that is one rule I didn't follow or really care about. I think being sexually compatible is something that makes marriage work, too -- and of course - a relationship. I still believe I should get married one day, but that slowly fades now and then. I don't see myself getting married because Jonathan has a fear of marriage due to his mother being with so many and divorcing twice. This has an emotional effect on him with the belief that marriage is only to 'screw over' the male.

Furthermore, being in a Polyamory Triad is even more difficult to get married. There is the part of Polygamy - whereas it's illegal so we couldn't be married to each other. Also, it would be unfair to the other if only two got married. But then again, as said above, marriage is becoming less and less as society furthers.

Children: Many feel the need to pass down their name, genetics, and ext. Some want to have kids because they feel they were raised horribly and know they can do a better job or the worse reason: to get federal money or to keep their partner. Society has accepted single mothers, single fathers, surrogates, and ext.


I want children because they bring me joy, that is unimaginable. To see a tiny human grow from infant to adult... to teach them life and how to be great in a world that is slowly going to crap. I grew up in a horrible home with my parents. Luckily, I was able to escape and live with my grandparents who helped me through life, and continue to do so. I don't want to have kids to prove I won't be abusive like my parents. I want kids because I know I will be a great mother and give unconditional love. To bring a soul into the world that can make a difference.


But bringing a Polyamory Triad into a child's life will be different. Society frowns upon (not everyone) lesbian mothers or gay fathers. Thinking they will poison the child's mine and 'make' them gay. Sure, a child will copy it's parents when it's young because it learns. This does not mean it'll be instantly gay, it's not really even a choice. I am bisexual, my sister is bisexual and our mother is gay. Can it be genetic? Why not. Can it be chosen? Eh. I think woman are beautiful... I am physically attracted to guys and girls. --- but anyway. Polyamory will be different. There is people who have successfully raised a 'normal' child with this -- even polygamy. Having multiple mothers/fathers is not a social norm yet, but who knows in the future.


The Other Stuff: Having a house is harder with the economic times. So is obtaining a job. Living life to the fullest doesn't mean you have to be rich, handsome, and amazing. It just means you have to be you. Be yourself and true to yourself. Happiness is easy to find in small and big places. Just reach out there and find it. You don't have to have everything to live the "American Dream." Being in America is an American Dream to some. Being free in a democracy rather then dictatorship.

I might not live the social norm, but I can still live the "American Dream." I have a few fantastic people in my life, I give many thanks to my grandparents, and don't know what I would do without some of them. I might be out of a job now, living in an apartment... but at least I am living.


The Future... The American Dream.. is what you make of it. 

Ughhhhh.

Just blah. A word that sums it up.

I am so tired, physically and mentally. My brain is tired.. my body is tired... my whole self is tired.
Lack a sleep? Yes. That's the main point there.

Stress is slowly eating away at myself causing me to feel numb or depressed.

Everything just seems bad. It makes me want to run, far far far far far far far away.

This Tiredness + Stress + Lack of Sleep + Depression + Blah + lkebalekhbhe = bad.

I don't feel like me lately nor do I feel fully supported. School starts up in 5 days and I am ready to go back... Ready to just learn and get negative thoughts out of my mind. Maybe I won't feel AS much as a loner, make a few friends. None of which I could talk to cause once they hear my insane life. Ha. The stress of possible work causing me to have to withdrawl or cause some issue's with school... it's agonizing. I want my education.

I don't want to go on any crazy medication or anything, this is more of a mental battle really. Though, the estrogen pills were helping a lot... then I just felt like "eh maybe I don't need them" and wooosh.

My love life sometimes causes me stress. I am happy it'll be three years with Jonathan on May 10th. It's been an adventure that I hope will continue forever.

I just hope life gets better soon. That I will get a good enough part-time job, go to school full time SUCCESSFULLY... and be able to not worry about if we're gonna be late on rent again. I never thought I'd hit this point... but of course, once things are going good... shit hits the fan.

Life has it's ways.

First off!...

I have had some roller coaster feelings lately. Ever since I got laid off,  I have been very down and depressed. Every thing right after each other was falling apart. Money has been really tight, and we were late on rent for March.. and will be for April. Without a job, I feel really useless and just a bother and crap. So this leads to me becoming depress and putting myself down. So off and on I will sink, but submerge here and there.

The worst part is, I rather work a part-time job because I want to do school. I am tired of having to keep putting it off. I feel like I am just worthless even more. I am 20 years old, barely have college education cause life likes to go insane. I want to achieve something. I want to be an amazing writer. :/ I want to be worthwhile.

Another affect of being laid off is me being home all the time, while unhealthy cause I lack complete motivation to work out... (Which is why I enrolled into a PE class this quarter to force myself...) I just get really low and see no point. I try to think positive, but it's hard. Though - on the same note. I barely ate at work, and doing the same here at home. Sometimes forgetting meals while I job hunt or play same Minecraft. Now to add some working out in that = we'll be golden.

So. I overcame something a few days ago that had me causing myself even more depression. I feel very relieved and that I can now open up even more and express my feelings a whole lot better. A brand new connection has opened up.


I am going to strive for change. Change within myself, my environment, and everything else that needs it. It's high time I get everything back together, get my life back on the track it was going. Just tired of being tired and need to muscle up and bring my strength back within me, my confidence. I am like the manly version of a guy who feels like he needs to provide, or he's useless. I have always provided for people and once the tables turn, I feel like a pile of bricks in the way.

I think the picture has been drawn...

Numb

My life has finally hit between a rock and a hard place. The past two weeks have been the most… crazy…stressful…chaotic 14 days of my life. It all started with one event and kept stacking one by one. I feel like there is no escape, that I am surrounded by these events and suffocating.  Everything keeps getting worse and worse. Sure, getting a ticket is not a big deal... but when It's 260 for the ticket, 267 for the insurance, PLUS 250 for court fee's, it adds up. My biggest stress causer was being laid off. That was a low blow and hurt. I feel useless. 

I have nothing to prove myself with either. Being 10 days late on rent... have Insurance coming up, bills near the 20th of the month... and STILL no unemployment check cause the damn system takes 3 weeks. I can't even go to college next quarter. This makes me feel like shit, too. I can't prove myself through school or get any done. GOV needs to set their shit straight. Should allow us who go to college still get benefits. But no. In order to get on unemployment, to find a job, can't be really in school. (Since it will get in the way.) and of course, Food Stamps.. ha. IF a full time student, you must WORK more then 20hrs a week. Seriously.

 Life seems to just screw you up the ass. I hate to be such a downer right now, but nothing is really lifting my mood. I feel like I have not only let myself down, but everyone around me. Having no job and applying for unemployment makes me feel like a GOV hobo. I don’t want to live on assistance. I don’t like asking for help. I feel like I just need to be responsible to me and my future. Get as far as I go can without help. 

I have a lot of emotions flowing through me, a lot of crying and anger passing through. My doctor said I have crazy hormones that fluctuating. Either one is to high or to low, ext. Even my love life is being affected. And it just hurts more. Cause I feel numb…  Everything is just numb…