Stress and all, just plain tired.

To much stress going on. Just tired of people telling me how to live my life, what I need to do and what I can't do. I am grown up, out of the house. I don't need to be treated like a child.

Stress is always been something I cannot handle when it's outside of work. When it's in my day-to-day personal life.

It is ONE thing to suggest something, it's another to say it as a fact, not opinion. I do not like when people force their opinion down my throat. Telling me, "Oh you can do that." or "You need to do this, right now." All it does is create more of a hectic environment. Tired of it. Tired of a lot of stuff.

I am the type of person who just lets things boil. I do not like to hurt other peoples feelings, nor yell at friends or family. I try my best to inch around it or not listen at all. But then it starts growing more, getting more personal. Guess what happens next?

Nothing. Cause I have no back bone. I rather make peace, not war. Only war with those I dislike. If I start with backing myself up, I won't stop. I will continue to say hurtful things, draw out what has been said to me and why it hurts.

It's like a never ending hurting feeling in my heart that people cause. It's so fragile and insecure. It makes me so easily depressed or upset. And I am just about done with that, and ready to build my back bone. I am ready to just let it all out. Give them a piece of my mind and go from there.

Polyamory...and a few thoughts of society.

So not many know this about me, but I have chosen a Polyamory lifestyle. Don't know what that means? Lets break it down. Poly - means many, more then two. So obviously, it's going to mean a relationship that consist more then 2. Now. I am not in an "Open" Relationship. I do not date another, while my boyfriends dates another. We do it as a trio. Dating the same person. (that is a female ---- me, female and him-male)

This relationship isn't intimate. Nor shall I expect it to be for a while, but it IS long-term and serious to be relationship.

I believe this works out in the long run BETTER then just two. Two maybe better then one, but three is better then two. There is unlimited possibilities, not only just sexual, but emotional. The connection of three hearts, rather then just two. This declares balance. Even if 2 is a even number and 3 is an odd, there is cemetery and balance in a trio relationship.

Many people may view this as wrong, gross, ext. But that is your view...your opinion. And this is mine. Society today barely, if at all, accepts this type of relationship. Many view it as a wrong idea due to the forced trama of "Male and Female live happily, MARRIED, ever after"

Now, I rather not get off topic, I'll create another posting about society today.

My heart is a vast emotional ball of love. That wants to give, give and give. I am an emotion being who has a large sense of compassion, affection and love to give. I can't give this all to one person, it could overload them, scare them even. This is why three is better then one on one. I can share this overabundance of feelings with two people, rather then one. My heart can love more then one person, as it does for my family an friends.

For those who are devoted to their one on one relationships, I do not wish to offend, as for you have a perfect fit in that life, as for I do not. Polyamory isn't for everyone, to many it can create jealousy.

And onto that topic... I can be a jealous person, like very.. jealous person. But I know how to remove it to a point of being in the back of my mind and enjoying the time together as a trio. My heart still aches with the pressure of society laid upon me as a small child, to be socially correct... but that doesn't matter anymore...

What matters in life is happiness. Without happiness, life is not meant to be lived, no reason to go on. Fill your heart with love and give it to those who can return it back to you. For love is what makes us human.

Writer to be and the Human Brain

I love writing.

like... LOVE... writing. 

There's just something about the crafting of words, the style and flow that synchronize into a story or a poem.. even a report or essay. Even reading is eye-gasmic! I love how words can create even the most imaginative scenery. How they portray graphical images or even movies without audio but with ones creative mind.

Like.. when I read. I see a movie that my mind creates. Even when I write a novel/story... I imagine it as a movie first, how it'd look and if the scene would work correctly. 

I guess I could say I LOVE the human brain, too. I'll look at random people an just wonder about their life. For instance, when I went out to eat at a Buffet, an old man was eating all alone. I wondered if he had a wife, or if he just had a routine of eating dinner there in his lonely life. It just makes you wonder. :) The human brain is a powerful thing.

My Whole Life.

Throughout my whole life, I have suffered, and continue to suffer. I don't think it will ever stop.From birth. I had horrid parents, who liked to abuse me an all three types - Physical, Mental, Emotional. As life continued, I underwent abuse until 6 years of age. I developed many fears, irrational thoughts and even a medical condition that furthered to ruin my life. At 6, I was able to move in with my grandparents - a overly messed up child. They worked hard, trying to help the damage already done to me. What DIDN'T help was the ungrateful piece of shit town called South Bend in the dreaded depths of Washington. Where children has formed cliques at early grades. I was the most made fun of, disliked child up until I left that shit-hole. Throughout elementary, I was called horrid names due to a medical condition no one understood. I had fears, phobia's, and bad self-image. The ridcule didn't help at all. I was so alone at heart, my 'friends' weren't really MY friends. They would hang with me, use me, and whenever the 'popular' kids would ask why are they with me - simple - "My mom makes me." Until 6th grade when I made some real friends. ish.

At 7th grade, I went into foster care. I was skinny until that year. They force fed me, the school force fed me. I gained over 50-70 pounds. I weighed over 150 pounds by then. That whole year was crap. I lived with one foster family for a while, then went to another. Where they didn't force feed me. But it wasn't my grandparents. 

A year later, I finally was able to go back  home to my Grandparents. I was still disliked and still called - to a point - bad names. School was the worse place to be, I played sick just not to go. I couldn't take it. I tried staying strong but it had already caused an emotional scar. 

When I finally met someone who just moved to town in 10th grade, my life changed somewhat. They were a nice family, 'cept their mother. Horrible mother she continues to be to this day. I met my new friends, hung out all the time. Finally got with her brother who is my fiance to this date - started dating in 2009. Almost at our 3 year mark. But. To this day. I still have emotional issues.I have always had these:

- Achluophobia- Fear of darkness.

- Anthropophobia- Fear of people or society

- Arachnophobia- Fear of spiders.

- Athazagoraphobia- Fear of being forgotton or ignored or forgetting.

- Autophobia- Fear of being alone or of oneself.

- Dishabiliophobia- Fear of undressing in front of someone.

- Gerascophobia- Fear of growing old.

- Iatrophobia- Fear of going to the doctor or of doctors.

- Necrophobia- Fear of death or dead things

I got diagnoised with Pre-Diabetes two years ago. Almost gone now thankfully.

And now? Now I found out I have PCOD. This is just great and dandy. It comes with so many horrible things. What have I ever done to DESERVE any of this? My past? My present? Now my future of having kids? Why me? And for those "Well God has a plan for everyone" Well, I'd like to know mine. I am 19. My adulthood has started and I would like to get things in order not keep getting horrible things.  

What to expect.

So. I have decided that going back to blogging and poetry writing is the best way for me to express myself without having to pay millions of dollars to see a therapist.

There isn't anyone for me to heart to heart talk to. They will not fully comprehending the situation and what is going on with me. I don't feel as if I could trust any of my friend with some things I want to talk about and just get off of my chest. No one likes the feeling of being judged, that's why we seek those who we don't know. We also don't like talking about friends or boyfriends/girlfriends to those who know each other due to the fact that something could to said and reported to the person.

So here I am. Blogging. Maybe about some things I should not be blogging about or maybe about things I should, that will help out in the long run. Who knows. But for now, this is the type of relief I need from my self pitty, constant over powering depression and total unhappiness inside.

I don't care if no one reads this, it will just help me out emotionally inside.