Life.

Ever met that person who makes you feel like you have known them forever? As if you completely understand one another and know absolutely everything about one another...

I am happy to say, without a doubt, I am EXTREMELY infatuated... no... Head over HEELS with an amazing person. It's such a strange feeling since I have been with Jonathan for almost 3 years now. And I know for sure he feels the same way I do... well except one thing.

Of course, I am female. And 'us' females are always scared that we're going to get crushed, let down, declined, rejected, and cannot forget, hurt.

My ONE and only major fear is being hurt. I have such feelings in which no words can explain of course, but I am yet to fully understand the full meaning of them. I want to let them out, but instead they stay bottled up due to the mere thought in the back of my head and within my heart that it will be another case of the blues. I have faced this to much... and it was the most scariest feeling I had recently when I realized things ARE working out. Does this make sense? Not really. I set an expectation on myself that it will not work out... and since that expectation was not met, I felt a draft of cold air across my skin as the cold reality that it IS indeed working out. But of course, I mean all of this in a good way. It's just my heart does not wish to ache anymore.

I know a Polyamory lifestyle is what I want... what I have desired and yearned for. Even if my heart is not ready, I know my mind is. I know there will be up most happiness and balance with a triangle, rather then a line that can only go back and forth. But of course, a square may seem more 'legit' and equally balanced... but 4 is not balanced. There can be favorites, separation, and awkward in passionate times. With Jonathan and my new profound interest... I know a Triangle is fitting. Rather then a V-ee.

Also, I know I will not get hurt by Jonathan, and that he will not leave me. But always those settle whispers in the back of my own mind keep me on edge time from time. The mere thought of not having him in my life scares me... it makes my heart skip a beat and thump with an ache. But even the mere thought of her not being there scares me, too.

In the back of my mind... I think I love her. I really think I do. But this love scares me.. and I know that this much is true.

Polyamory...and a few thoughts of society.

So not many know this about me, but I have chosen a Polyamory lifestyle. Don't know what that means? Lets break it down. Poly - means many, more then two. So obviously, it's going to mean a relationship that consist more then 2. Now. I am not in an "Open" Relationship. I do not date another, while my boyfriends dates another. We do it as a trio. Dating the same person. (that is a female ---- me, female and him-male)

This relationship isn't intimate. Nor shall I expect it to be for a while, but it IS long-term and serious to be relationship.

I believe this works out in the long run BETTER then just two. Two maybe better then one, but three is better then two. There is unlimited possibilities, not only just sexual, but emotional. The connection of three hearts, rather then just two. This declares balance. Even if 2 is a even number and 3 is an odd, there is cemetery and balance in a trio relationship.

Many people may view this as wrong, gross, ext. But that is your view...your opinion. And this is mine. Society today barely, if at all, accepts this type of relationship. Many view it as a wrong idea due to the forced trama of "Male and Female live happily, MARRIED, ever after"

Now, I rather not get off topic, I'll create another posting about society today.

My heart is a vast emotional ball of love. That wants to give, give and give. I am an emotion being who has a large sense of compassion, affection and love to give. I can't give this all to one person, it could overload them, scare them even. This is why three is better then one on one. I can share this overabundance of feelings with two people, rather then one. My heart can love more then one person, as it does for my family an friends.

For those who are devoted to their one on one relationships, I do not wish to offend, as for you have a perfect fit in that life, as for I do not. Polyamory isn't for everyone, to many it can create jealousy.

And onto that topic... I can be a jealous person, like very.. jealous person. But I know how to remove it to a point of being in the back of my mind and enjoying the time together as a trio. My heart still aches with the pressure of society laid upon me as a small child, to be socially correct... but that doesn't matter anymore...

What matters in life is happiness. Without happiness, life is not meant to be lived, no reason to go on. Fill your heart with love and give it to those who can return it back to you. For love is what makes us human.