Numb

My life has finally hit between a rock and a hard place. The past two weeks have been the most… crazy…stressful…chaotic 14 days of my life. It all started with one event and kept stacking one by one. I feel like there is no escape, that I am surrounded by these events and suffocating.  Everything keeps getting worse and worse. Sure, getting a ticket is not a big deal... but when It's 260 for the ticket, 267 for the insurance, PLUS 250 for court fee's, it adds up. My biggest stress causer was being laid off. That was a low blow and hurt. I feel useless. 

I have nothing to prove myself with either. Being 10 days late on rent... have Insurance coming up, bills near the 20th of the month... and STILL no unemployment check cause the damn system takes 3 weeks. I can't even go to college next quarter. This makes me feel like shit, too. I can't prove myself through school or get any done. GOV needs to set their shit straight. Should allow us who go to college still get benefits. But no. In order to get on unemployment, to find a job, can't be really in school. (Since it will get in the way.) and of course, Food Stamps.. ha. IF a full time student, you must WORK more then 20hrs a week. Seriously.

 Life seems to just screw you up the ass. I hate to be such a downer right now, but nothing is really lifting my mood. I feel like I have not only let myself down, but everyone around me. Having no job and applying for unemployment makes me feel like a GOV hobo. I don’t want to live on assistance. I don’t like asking for help. I feel like I just need to be responsible to me and my future. Get as far as I go can without help. 

I have a lot of emotions flowing through me, a lot of crying and anger passing through. My doctor said I have crazy hormones that fluctuating. Either one is to high or to low, ext. Even my love life is being affected. And it just hurts more. Cause I feel numb…  Everything is just numb… 

Stress and all, just plain tired.

To much stress going on. Just tired of people telling me how to live my life, what I need to do and what I can't do. I am grown up, out of the house. I don't need to be treated like a child.

Stress is always been something I cannot handle when it's outside of work. When it's in my day-to-day personal life.

It is ONE thing to suggest something, it's another to say it as a fact, not opinion. I do not like when people force their opinion down my throat. Telling me, "Oh you can do that." or "You need to do this, right now." All it does is create more of a hectic environment. Tired of it. Tired of a lot of stuff.

I am the type of person who just lets things boil. I do not like to hurt other peoples feelings, nor yell at friends or family. I try my best to inch around it or not listen at all. But then it starts growing more, getting more personal. Guess what happens next?

Nothing. Cause I have no back bone. I rather make peace, not war. Only war with those I dislike. If I start with backing myself up, I won't stop. I will continue to say hurtful things, draw out what has been said to me and why it hurts.

It's like a never ending hurting feeling in my heart that people cause. It's so fragile and insecure. It makes me so easily depressed or upset. And I am just about done with that, and ready to build my back bone. I am ready to just let it all out. Give them a piece of my mind and go from there.